Friend/Unfriend

So much of our life is dictated by friends and maintaining friendships. But I do wonder what constitutes true friendship.

“Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.”
~ George Eliot

 I don't think it is like a marriage, where you have to work at it to keep it going, you simply don't have the same level of intimacy with a friend. With a marriage you can call each other every name under the sun in a fit of temper and it will be forgotten an hour later. Maybe. With a friend, that is likely to be an inevitable end to a friendship.

Some friends are drainers. They take, take, take and give little or nothing in return. Mostly it's your time they seek, but money and favours score highly too. I had a friend up until recently who demanded more of me than I was able to give once I settled down and had a baby. She couldn't grasp that my priorities had taken a dramatic shift and her jealousy was taken out on my infant son. We inevitably drifted apart. Others get unsettled and insecure if you don't contact them once a month/week/day. Needy friends. I cannnot live with that level of commitment, it becomes a chore.

Socially I have two distinct groups of friends. I don't mix the two as I have two separate areas of my life. Mummy friends and work friends.

My work friends are a mixed bundle of males and females of varying ages from teens to fifties. I absolutely adore working with them and being a part of their team. The banter is abundant and sometimes borderline offensive. The conversations often childish and pointless to kill some time. Our nights out are drunken and debauched. I know that when I am with them, I can be me at my most extreme. My pre-baby self. While I was on maternity leave I could go several weeks without hearing from my closer colleagues, and they would not hear from me. But if I wanted to meet up with one or many of them, I knew they would always be thrilled to see me, and I them. I imagine that I would lose touch with the majority of them, should they choose to seek employment elsewhere. But right now, they're there and they're my mates. It's easy, straightforward and they are all much loved in their own special ways.

Then there are my mummy friends. I met them all online some years ago while we were all trying to get pregnant with varying degrees of success. Before we'd even met, we knew each other's most intimate secrets, so now it seems that our history stretches back beyond three years. Our experiences have all been so different that they could actually make a film about us all and it would be well balanced. One who is able to fall and stay pregnant as nature intended, yet she is special because it's something she has never taken for granted and recognises her blessings. Then there's the one who can get pregnant but her body just can't hang onto the babies. She finally got there on her 6th attempt and her determination always humbles me. Then there's the woman who is such a natural mother and has such an easy way with children but nature just doesn't seem to be on her side. She's currently going through the slog of adoption, a bureaucratic pregnancy, if you will, and will soon get the child she deserves, paperwork willing. And then there's me with my broken ovaries, willing but not able.

We all live a fair way apart but speak often online and see each other when we can. And there's no pressure. We all appreciate each other's busy lives and fit each other in when we can. I know that if I needed them, they would be there, without question. They know that if they needed me I would drop everything. But I don't have to phone them every other day, they don't have to host a visit from me once a week. We just ARE. And I like that. I appreciate it's simplicity. And I love them for it.

So what is a true friend? I guess it's different for everyone. I would say all of my friends make me laugh. I trust them all, and I want to spend time with them. I enjoy hearing about their lives and sharing details of mine. They are people that I want nearby for those landmark moments, happy and sad. And some of them are people that I would like to grow old with. To share a long and illustrious future together. Holidays, experiences and memories. Laughter and of course tears. I guess that is what a true friendship is. People that you want to build a history with, alongside your family.